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I've spent the last week quietly mourning the unexpected passing of my grandma. I'm still experiencing some lingering disbelief that she's no longer here, even after her emotional memorial service on Saturday, which is why I've kept it mostly to myself until now. I've heard that everyone grieves in their own way, and I think that mine is a guarded grief that creeps in only when I'm alone and left to think.

I am left with this sense of... uncertainty. Not knowing exactly how to feel, not knowing how to understand what's happened, not knowing what to do. Death isn't something I'm experienced in, nor do I want to be.

I do know that I believe there is life after death. I do know that I will see my grandma again.

I can't help but feel regret in not making more time to visit my grandma over the past few years, and that feeling has perhaps affected me most since her passing. I should have gotten to know her better. I should have visited her often enough to remember the last time that I visited her (which I can't). And while I find comfort in knowing that I will see her again after this life, I want to hold on to this regret as motivation to strengthen my relationships with my remaining grandparents and other loved ones, in this lifetime.

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.

Henry David Thoreau

God be with you.